@kashmir_lover1: Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
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@Brianhopecomedy: *wife stares at me* *I stare at her* *she frowns* *I smile* "You didn't notice my new-" "NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES." "Dress."
@FBSisnothere: "Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail"
@UNTRESOR: "How did you sleep?" "On my back, mostly. At one point I tried to climb into my dryer but I couldn't fit."
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.