age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
car not found
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.