Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling