Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Baking is just science you can eat.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son