@Jandalize: Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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@ArfMeasures: HER: You ran over my cat ME: I'm so sorry HER: You're gonna have to replace him ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
@Darchstar078: Fact: Roughly 40% of my childhood was spent preparing for the day I fall into a pit of quicksand.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I refuse to watch shows like "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" because I already know I'm not.
@briangaar: Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I'm going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.