Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.