@Jandalize: Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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@imadepoopstoday: Your water broke? Do I look like an idiot? You can't "break" water...get back to work.
@morganalxander: Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
@armyVet1972: Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I'm nervous. *vomits* HR guy: Umm…you sure about that? Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I'm just super drunk right now