Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
How do you like your Corgi?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
why I oughta
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.