@Jandalize: Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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@ericsshadow: [at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK
@chimneyspotter: GOOD COP: Give us a name! PERP: Never! TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has- PERP: Okay I'll talk, please just stop!
@imskytrash: retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we've had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?