@Jandalize: Autocorrect changed 'get a life' to 'get a wife' and now my daughter is a lesbian.
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@girlontapas: Am I capable of premeditated murder? Your honor, I've been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
@TheCatWhisprer: I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
@vladchoc: For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say "Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?"
@SteveSuckington: If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body, your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.