Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
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Hell yeah 👍
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
one of
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”