Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber