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Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.