Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
BRAKING NEWS!!
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
The only equipped I am is ill.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.