Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.