Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?