@moose_chocolate: Autocorrect changed "you're so wise" to "you're so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
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@IamEnidColeslaw: I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
@IncrediblyRich: I'm going to skip home tonight because sometimes life is seriously brilliant. *throws confetti*
@robfee: Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country? 2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?
@Book_Krazy: *Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car* Him: *Drives away* Me: *whispers* "yeah, you'll be back.”