Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
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My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
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You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Sending in my taxes
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in