@SpacePlankton: Autocorrect doesn't recognize my gangsta nature.
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@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.
@shkeeber: I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.
@thesulk: Next time you're on an elevator with a stranger say, "If the doors open and it's all zombies, let's team up."