Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.