Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
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Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Dolls on drugs
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
#Caturday
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you