@JohnLyonTweets: Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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@KeetPotato: [wife putting groceries away] "where's the bread?" i got mugged "specifically for bread?" [cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed] yes
@KyleMcDowell86: [Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She's a service dog [Me] Omg I'm so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
@CaniacMONK: *Works out on rowing machine *Breaks rowing machine *Doesn't know own strength *Buys Doritos to celebrate *Can't open bag