@JohnLyonTweets: Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I'm starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
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@myonlymizztake: These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don't tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
@dril: so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
@chrisscamurra: CASHIER: its declined ME: run it again C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out ME: no C: your name is "local resident"?
@canadian_jane: I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.