Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.