@buhsbaby_baby: Autocorrect just changed "carnie" to "catnip" and now all my friends think I slept with a bunch of catnips last night.
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@rolldiggity: Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
@AbbyHasIssues: I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
@jergarl: [At gang interview] GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang Me: Yep GL: What qualities do you.. M: *Already snapping fingers GL: You're in
@david8hughes: On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn't feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.