Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE