5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
You Might Also Like
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Carpe DM
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.