@LionJenkins: Autocorrect just changed "Selfies" to "Selfless" so I just took a picture without me in it.
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@LeBearGirdle: Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
@envydatropic: It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
@murrman5: [closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"
@TheKenyan_: I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.