@LionJenkins: Autocorrect just changed "Selfies" to "Selfless" so I just took a picture without me in it.
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@UncleDuke1969: Him: I'm making you Produce Manager. Me: A PLUM assignment! H: ... M: You're a PEACH! H: ... M: Do I start today or TOMATO? H: You're fired.
@treydayway: Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
@smelbz: The worst part of going on a date with a guy I don't like is how my grandma always dies before our food gets there.
@Jodesaroo: Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I'll tell you anything you want to know.