Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
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It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*