I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
BRAKING NEWS!!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.