@GuyThe_Guy: Autocorrect just turned "stepdaughter" into "lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider"
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@TeamPHumor: Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
@jwoodham: You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it's really weird.
@miffedmim: As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
@WheelTod: [Traffic Stop] Cop: Sir, please step out of the car Me: But you said... Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.