Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.