@rachelle_mandik: Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn't be so angry.
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@roadkill3x: I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn't tell because it didnt have an anvil.
@Dawn_M_: I stepped on two raccoons today, but I'm just gonna play it cool and wear them as slippers for the rest of my life.
@sirmunchie: My GF arrives in town next week. I'm so excited! I just hope that all the tension w/ Russia doesn't make U.S. immigration hold up the mail.
@AwkwardTwitts: "Wow, you're tall.. Do you play basketball?" "Wow, you're short. Do you play mini golf?"