Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?