Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!