Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
October already? What’s next? November????
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I have a new favorite meme page
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life