Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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This is I, Robot all over again
*bites zombie*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG