Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
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[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.