Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
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can’t wait til they legalize outside
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.