Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
that de-escalated quickly
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…