DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
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I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.