I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
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me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Called it
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!