AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
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Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom