@ThePocketJustin: Avenge me but only if it's convenient.
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@Sam_From_Kansas: This waitress at Olive Garden has been grating cheese onto my plate for 13 hours now.
@heyevergreen: [showing colleague a pic on phone] "NO! Don't scroll left!" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old loves wrestling with the family. He's Hulk Hogan, I'm The Rock and our 1 year old is the folding chair.