@Gooooats: Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.
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@nbadag: ME: here's your bday present! BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won't budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again ME: just open it
@KyleMcDowell86: [in car] Wife: Dont tell ur arm story Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe *at party* AND THAT'S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
@AmishPornStar1: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
@Mr_Kapowski: *on the karaoke mic* "I normally don't sing outside the shower so I hope you guys don't mind if I do this naked"