AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
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You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Don’t tell me what to do
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.