[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
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A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: