[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers