Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
You Might Also Like
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.