“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”