“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
happy friday
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?