Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
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I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume