@thenatewolf: Avocados are like women: soft inside, dinosaur skin outside, big cricket ball in the middle, all the good ones are taken...
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@thedailymarker: Husband getting dressed: Me: Purple and green don't go together. Husband: It works for the Joker. Me: My point exactly.
@tastefactory: We really are the most blessed generation. We've had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
@NurseSeymour: Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
@brendohare: On your first day of prison, go up to the biggest, scariest guy there, and ask him "Have you heard of updog?"