One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Which wines pair best with gloating?
A great tip. #CakeRex
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.