Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
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[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please