Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
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How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
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