Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Oh the world we live in…
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.