@GensPlace: Avoid cars that have a sign saying 'baby on board'. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.
@UncleDuke1969: Date: "You're very tall! Do you play basketball?" Me: "You're very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?"
@Arrogant_Twat: My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
@jonnysun: [whole foods] WHITE GIRL: excus me do u hav pumpkin EMPLOYEE: (hands her a pumpkin) here WHITE GIRL: no no no. PUMPKIN. its a type of spice