Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.