@Parentpains: Avoid confrontations in the work place by slashing your coworker's tires while they sleep.
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@geowizzacist: My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out. Me (looks): I can't see anything in there. 3: That's because I flushed.
@EJT___: I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs. Quit 1/3 of the way through. Ended up with a 2Pac.
@TheMichaelRock: The best part about Christmas Eve is when grandma gets drunk and tries to fight everyone.
@Mister_Gravity: I'm usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I've just seen. [hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]