[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.