Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
You Might Also Like
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”